Life on the D...allas list

One of the more consistent things about the UFL is this: The Dallas Cowboys are perennial contenders. Every year it seems like their roster is loaded with blue chip players and blue chip prospects, and depth to patch up any injuries. It is never enough to get them a title, but it is enough to make playing them on a weekly basis very difficult.

This year appears to be off to a difficult start for them, and it does not appear like it will get any easier. Going into Week 4 they will be without their best chance to put decent stat lines with AJ Green watching from his lazy-boy on a bye week, in addition to not having the reliable Seattle D to lean on or even Jordan Cameron for a quick TD, week 4 appears to be a write-off for them Cowboys.

It also could be a turning point, where Coach Kavaldjian (the one without a Supreme Bowl) decides to toss in the towel and start moving assets and planning for next season. He is calculated enough to do so, and I think he will realize that this year is scrapped sooner rather than later. Although... if the Cowboys were in the God Awful Western Division things would be different.

Has there ever been a group of teams that you looked at and thought.. yup.. chalk 4 wins up for me this year right there. With a combined 2 wins in 8 games against teams outside their Division, the West appears to be where bad teams go to pretend to be good. How can Buffalo, a team that all but said to us at the draft that this was a rebuilding year for them be tied for 1st place right now? How does a division with the reigning champs, currently winless and looking prime for a TBowl matchup with their divisional counterparts the Steelers, be this awful so soon after being so great?

The Steelers on their own are making an argument for there to be a second league set up called the UCFL where they can play the game with modified fantasy rules tailored to their unique talentless roster. The division is an embarrassment to the dignity and sanctity of the UFL. If I were Buffalo and Denver I would feel very ashamed right now in knowing that the majority of my wins are going to come against UCFL level talent.

But, let's go back to the Cowboys for a second and see what kind of assets they can acquire/deal in a potential fire sale:

The number one asset they have, and assuming he is healthy is Shady McCoy. Signed for 1 year, he would be a great rental to most teams in the league. Unfortunately most teams do not have the cap space to fit him in. The perfect fit would be Houston, owning two 1st rounder’s and lots of cap space I could easily see Coach Biondi buying out Ray Rice and putting together a package. However, is the blood feud between the 2 owners from Texas too deep to permit this? Would the Cowboys be willing to put aside old world rivalries and agree to a deal?

Another team with depth and picks are the Eagles, who have a talent laden roster and are in a tough division. They could pull off a deal to bring in a blue chip back revitalize their season if they wanted to. Basically, if Coach K (the one without a Supreme Bowl)  is looking for roster talent, the Eagles have tons of youth at all positions to deal and draft picks as well.

The Cowboys have other roster players that they could be dealt, but the uflguy always hesitates to trade away young cheap talent for unproven talent and draft picks and I believe Coach K (the one without a Supreme Bowl) has the same mentality.

Therefore, their second best asset is the Seattle D which could fetch a nice return to a team on the cusp of looking to add a bit of depth to their roster. I like the Giants as the fit there, with an injury riddled Panthers D, and atrocious Colts D as their backup, the Giants could use an impact D to help them on their journey back to Supreme Bowl glory. Lacking assets that may entice the Cowboys, Coach Porrovecchio has a full 4 rounds of picks to offer them and he has shown in the past that he is not afraid to deal youth or overpay to improve his team in the now and has a track record of doing so (see the trade he made with Miami last year that sent Cordarelle Patterson off in exchange for a feisty Titans D and a 2nd rounder).

Week 4 matchups:

Miami (-3) at Philadelphia
The 3-1 Dolphins meet the 1-3 Eagles in a game that could have ramifications for the rest of the season. The Eagles need a win to stay alive and start making up ground in their division, and the Dolphins need to prove that they can compete in their own division. An early season trade between the two teams could have a big impact on this matchup as well. Pick: Eagles

NY Giants (-7.5) at New England
The Patriots fast start looks to be cooling down as they were smacked down by the Dolphins last week and appear poised to be smacked down again. Their fate as divisional cellar dwellers is all but a foregone conclusion. The Giants defensive issues have been discussed earlier, and as the season wears on it could be a sore spot in matchups against tougher opponents. Pick: Giants

Washington (+14) at Houston
2 INTs, a fumble recovery and a Defensive TD were not enough to even make it close last week for the Washington Professional Fantasy Football team, and now they have to face the early season juggernaut Texans. It will take career fantasy weeks from Megatron, Gio Bernard (oops on a Bye) and Aaron Rodgers to even keep this close. As coach Teoli accurately noted in his post-game press conference this week after another Washington Professional Fantasy Football team loss "Claudio Biondi (has done) his part for Washington's 1st round pick to be as valuable as possible". We see this as just another step in making that a top 2 pick. Pick: Texans

Dallas (+6.5) at San Diego
The first edition of the Kavaldjian bowl this year comes at a time where both teams are headed in opposite directions. Will Eric show mercy on his brother and keep this close, or is this the week where we will have confirmation of a Supreme Bowl contender and Toilet Bowl candidate? The bye week will not be kind to the Cowboys, and I am still not sold on the Chargers, so in the end I put this game in the big old meaningless column.  Pick: Chargers

Denver (Pick'em) at Buffalo
The matchup of the week, as two teams tied for first place in their division square off. Neither team has any bye week excuses this week either, so we should have a fairly good idea of who is a contender and who is a pretender. I am not sold on Denver, and I like the Bills as a sneaky Supreme Bowl candidate this year as their division looks like whoever wins it will end up with a first round bye come playoff time.  Pick: Bills (when in doubt always go with the team that has a history of winning)

Pittsburgh (-9.5) at Tampa Bay

Gentlemen I present to you the 2014 toilet bowl; 11 weeks ahead of schedule. I don't know what's worse, the fact that the Steelers appear to be marching towards all time worst status in the UFL, or the fact that we have 1 more and potentially 2 more of these matchups to NOT look forward to. The only positive is that there won't be two 0-14 teams this season. Pick: Bucs

Last Week: 2-4
Season: 5-7

What happened to your balls?

Well it's time for the UFL's attempted corporate gimmick "Rivalry Week", where longtime rivals such as Duane Dahl's Eagles take on their nemesis’s from the East, New York Giants. And of course we all remember that time that Duane and Gabe got into a big old flame war over who was going to win that week, in that year where all that rivalry stuff happened, right? Because man... was that a crazy argument. I still tell my kids about it. Anyone ever seen Duane lose his temper like that? Yup, me neither.

If none of the above sounds familiar it's because it never really happened. In fact the only rivalries in this league of any consequence died years ago. Save for the odd flare up on Facebook the state of hatred in the UFL is at levels befit of men in need of several tubes of androgel, because the glaring lack of testosterone is turning a once manly and intolerant league into a league of pussies.

My second year in the league Mel released a video smack down of epic proportions. But after that nothing. Myself, I would tirelessly crap all over the Cowboys, mocking them, making YouTube lineups to shame them and their sad franchise history. Post championship Gabe lost his mind with delusions of a dynasty and went on a yearlong bender drunk on championship glory where his ego created a monster none of us could have anticipated. Smugness entered the digital age when Eric took home his first title, where we were subject to selfies and hashtags, and a season of referring to himself as champ, not "the" champ, simply champ. Substituting his name, for a 3rd person noun. If he repeated would he have referred to himself as two-time champ? or the hipper b2b champ? We will never know because he did not get the chance to defend his title. Instead we got Mel, and Mel I love you like the short bald son I never had, but son... you gotta step up and take pride in this. Stop being so grateful and start being more of a prick god dammit, what's the point of winning if you can't be an ass? I looked up to you bud, your rants, your ravings were masterful, and now... it's a sad state of affairs.

Carlos, well we all know Carlos... he is like the pillar of arrogant stability that a league like ours needs. How can you not simultaneously love the guy and hate him? Thank god for Carlos.

Have children really sucked the hatred out of you all?  Come on men.

Anyway... week 3 predictions:

False Rivalry 1:
Philadelphia (+14) at NY Giants

The Eagles shook things up this week by shipping excess TE Kyle Rudolph and a putrid Packers D off to the Dolphins in exchange for a 2nd rounder and the Cardinals D. None of that will help their inevitable obliteration this week. Pick: Giants

False Rivalry 2:
New England (-3) at Miami

An away team giving 3... smells like a trap to me. Miami is better than the slaughter they experienced last week, and the Pats owe them for the deal that sent them Gates at the draft. But these are 2 teams with no history of a beef. Pick: Dolphins

An Actual Rivalry:
Houston (-5.5) at Dallas

The surprising Texans, flush with cash and draft day dealing are 3-0 and atop the division. While their hated rival Cowboys sit in the cellar with a talent filled roster failing to impress. Will this be the week the stars re-align or will the surprises continue... I am picking re-alignment. Pick: Cowboys

Really, is this a Rivalry?
San Diego (+9) at Washington 

  

This game reeks of blowout. The Washington Professional Fantasy Football team lost a key player last week, yet still put down a wounded Cowboys team, yet is still well stacked. The Chargers on the other hand look like a team on the way down and this game may just make or break their season. Pick: Washington

Is it a rivalry when one team is good and the other is Pittlandotta?
Buffalo (-13.5) at Pittsburgh

Just how bad is Pittsburgh? If this was 2012 we might be talking about the 3-0 Steelers, but the Bergamin baseball standard of Old Guys and Tight Ends does not mesh well in a progressive game that embraces things like computers. Pick: Bills

2013/14 Cross Sport Rivalry Championship Bowl
Tampa Bay (+3) at Denver

UFHL champion Pat takes on UFL Champ Mel. Two teams heading in opposite directions. The Bucs look like they are done, and if Charles goes down, then it will be time to scout the NCAA for some top flight talent. Pick: Broncos

Last Week: 3-3
For the Year: 3-3

Depth Be An Issue

For all the hype surrounding GM John’s blockbuster deal with the, let’s just call him the rattlesnake, to acquire Megatron, All Day, and then furthering it by trading for Rodgers the end result after week 1 was glaring. Depth. Or in the case of the  Washington Professional Football Fantasy Team…a lack of depth. With all the moves made to make the worst team of 2013 into a contender, week 1 showed that you can’t just trade and spend your way to greatness. In fact if anything week 1 proved that acquiring assets and knowing when to let them go (i.e. the NFL Patriot way) will always win out.

We will look back on the 2014 draft in one of two ways.

1) The year the Washington Professional Football Fantasy Team went from worst to first and revolutionized UFL rebuilding or

2) The year the Washington Professional Football Fantasy Team  won back to back toilet bowls without the benefit of getting to pick 1^st, thus ensuring that no mega deals for 1^st overall picks ever get made again… HAHAHAH yeah right.

So what have we learned after 1 week other than the dangers of trading with a snake oil salesman from Buffalo?

- We learned that the Bucs are going to need a shakeup to their roster quickly if they plan on defending their title. There are a lot of running backs on that roster, and if Charles goes down or sees his carries drop this team will be facing a long season.

- The Steelers are a hapless franchise that may need more than a year to recover, and need to start dealing Tight End’s for assets that can help them now and in the future as soon as possible.

- The Chargers dominated in both their matchups and look to be on pace to recover their form from the glory year of 2012. But with instability at QB will it be enough?

- The Patriots, assuming they get the attention they deserve will be a midrange force this year.  While they lack depth at RB, they are a solidly built team assuming everyone produces to their level. Like any team built by GM Viau their prime years are behind them though and in 10 weeks we most likely will be talking about whether or not they will contend for the toilet bowl or the final wild card spot.

- The Bills could pull off the rare, or in this case standard Quintana operating principle™ of “Look at me guys I am rebuilding and I am going to tell everyone about it for the rest of the draft… OMG look at me my team could make the playoffs and I am going to tell everyone I see about it!”

- The Dolphins look like a legitimate threat if everyone can stay healthy. While the rest of the league obsesses over wideouts, the Dolphins have quietly accumulated depth at RB and if their Week 1 showing is any indication, it is a strategy that could pay off with a spot in the playoffs.

- The Cowboys again have another solid depth filled team, but as is always the case with the team from Dallas, will it be enough? Can building a blue chip roster win it all? Or does this team need more personality? They say character only counts in things that are real, that fantasy is no place for character players, but I think in the interests of karma and purification the Cowboys need to add a bit of fun to their roster. Maybe add another Kicker to lighten the mood and be like “hey man, I don’t care about what you think, I am going to hoard kickers because kickers are fun”.

- The Eagles, the greatest team to never win a thing. On paper… juggernaut, so what happens every year? I really don’t know. Much like their GM they disappear for long stretches and when they return it’s like… hey I know you, you’re cool… what happened man? They are kind of the Leo DiCaprio of the league. Great in everything they do, but never win anything.

- What happens when a commissioner, no longer saddled with the burdens of commissionership is given the chance to focus on his team? Hours and hours of waiting for a name to be called when we get to the draft is what happens. On paper the team is solid, and appears poised for another date in the playoffs.  However, lacking a true WR1 could be their undoing. Look for Gabe to deal away picks and prospects to fix those holes sooner rather than later, you can take that to the bank.

- The Broncos proved that they can contend this year, Matt Ryan could very well make this team look a lot better than it deserves. Lacking a true WR1 and borderline WR2s will be this squad’s downfall. GM Teoli better be working those emails soon or scouting the waiver wire because something needs to happen.

- An impressive two victories by the Texans could have us believing in them as a legitimate Supreme Bowl contender and indeed they are. Assuming GM Biondi gets decent production out of Kapernick there could be many more victories in the short and long term, and with almost 9 Million in cap space he has the ability to add some nice pieces (looking at the Washington Professional Fantasy Team here) if he wants to shore up a hole or two.

So where are we headed this year? Was week 1 a good indication of where the UFL centers of power are, or was it just another week of UFL parity.  

Week 2 picks :

Miami (+2.5)  at NY Giants

The Giants get the edge because of the matchup at TE, but look for the Dolphins to keep this matchup close. It looks like the Fins are going to run 4RB-1WR-1TE formation to neutralize the beast here, lacking faith in their receiver corps to get the job done. Pick: Giants.

New England (+7) at Philadelphia

The Eagles get the edge because they win at every positional matchup. The Pats are going to need big games from their entire lineup in order to sneak out a win here.  Pick: Eagles.

Denver (-3.5) at Pittsburgh

It’s the opinion of this writer that the Steelers are a legitimate contender to go winless this year. Even on a bye week.  They are one Tom Brady injury away from oblivion. Pick: Broncos (Lock of the week)

Tampa Bay at Buffalo (Pick’em)

Two teams with very similar rosters who are going to be battling for a wild card spot all season. This matchup could prove to be vital at the end of the season. There may never be as important a week for roster decisions as this for these two teams. Pick: Bills

San Diego (-1.5) at Houston

Ironically the Chargers are favorites here because they own the Houston defense. And we here at the uflguy love, LOVE it when one team loses to that same team’s defense. You could say we are big on Schadenfreude. Pick: Chargers

Washington (+4.5) at Dallas

The Washington Professional Football Fantasy Team are the perfect antithesis  to the Dallas Cowboys. One organization drafts well, makes smart tactical trades, the other gets sucked in by the bright lights of fame and believes in swinging for the fences. Both GMs have been rewarded with precisely 0 titles though, despite always fielding star studded lineups. Unfortunately the depth hole in all positions for the Washington Professional Football Fantasy Team is just too deep to recover from. Pick: Dallas.

uflguy out