What happened to your balls?

Well it's time for the UFL's attempted corporate gimmick "Rivalry Week", where longtime rivals such as Duane Dahl's Eagles take on their nemesis’s from the East, New York Giants. And of course we all remember that time that Duane and Gabe got into a big old flame war over who was going to win that week, in that year where all that rivalry stuff happened, right? Because man... was that a crazy argument. I still tell my kids about it. Anyone ever seen Duane lose his temper like that? Yup, me neither.

If none of the above sounds familiar it's because it never really happened. In fact the only rivalries in this league of any consequence died years ago. Save for the odd flare up on Facebook the state of hatred in the UFL is at levels befit of men in need of several tubes of androgel, because the glaring lack of testosterone is turning a once manly and intolerant league into a league of pussies.

My second year in the league Mel released a video smack down of epic proportions. But after that nothing. Myself, I would tirelessly crap all over the Cowboys, mocking them, making YouTube lineups to shame them and their sad franchise history. Post championship Gabe lost his mind with delusions of a dynasty and went on a yearlong bender drunk on championship glory where his ego created a monster none of us could have anticipated. Smugness entered the digital age when Eric took home his first title, where we were subject to selfies and hashtags, and a season of referring to himself as champ, not "the" champ, simply champ. Substituting his name, for a 3rd person noun. If he repeated would he have referred to himself as two-time champ? or the hipper b2b champ? We will never know because he did not get the chance to defend his title. Instead we got Mel, and Mel I love you like the short bald son I never had, but son... you gotta step up and take pride in this. Stop being so grateful and start being more of a prick god dammit, what's the point of winning if you can't be an ass? I looked up to you bud, your rants, your ravings were masterful, and now... it's a sad state of affairs.

Carlos, well we all know Carlos... he is like the pillar of arrogant stability that a league like ours needs. How can you not simultaneously love the guy and hate him? Thank god for Carlos.

Have children really sucked the hatred out of you all?  Come on men.

Anyway... week 3 predictions:

False Rivalry 1:
Philadelphia (+14) at NY Giants

The Eagles shook things up this week by shipping excess TE Kyle Rudolph and a putrid Packers D off to the Dolphins in exchange for a 2nd rounder and the Cardinals D. None of that will help their inevitable obliteration this week. Pick: Giants

False Rivalry 2:
New England (-3) at Miami

An away team giving 3... smells like a trap to me. Miami is better than the slaughter they experienced last week, and the Pats owe them for the deal that sent them Gates at the draft. But these are 2 teams with no history of a beef. Pick: Dolphins

An Actual Rivalry:
Houston (-5.5) at Dallas

The surprising Texans, flush with cash and draft day dealing are 3-0 and atop the division. While their hated rival Cowboys sit in the cellar with a talent filled roster failing to impress. Will this be the week the stars re-align or will the surprises continue... I am picking re-alignment. Pick: Cowboys

Really, is this a Rivalry?
San Diego (+9) at Washington 

  

This game reeks of blowout. The Washington Professional Fantasy Football team lost a key player last week, yet still put down a wounded Cowboys team, yet is still well stacked. The Chargers on the other hand look like a team on the way down and this game may just make or break their season. Pick: Washington

Is it a rivalry when one team is good and the other is Pittlandotta?
Buffalo (-13.5) at Pittsburgh

Just how bad is Pittsburgh? If this was 2012 we might be talking about the 3-0 Steelers, but the Bergamin baseball standard of Old Guys and Tight Ends does not mesh well in a progressive game that embraces things like computers. Pick: Bills

2013/14 Cross Sport Rivalry Championship Bowl
Tampa Bay (+3) at Denver

UFHL champion Pat takes on UFL Champ Mel. Two teams heading in opposite directions. The Bucs look like they are done, and if Charles goes down, then it will be time to scout the NCAA for some top flight talent. Pick: Broncos

Last Week: 3-3
For the Year: 3-3